I've been sitting here for roughly an hour trying to think of something to write. There is so much on my mind right now, and it's mostly a jumbled mess like it usually is. But there is this completely annoying, screeching, pulling, ache, just below my left ear, just begging me to put something on paper. Or rather, on teh interwebs. So I've decided to talk about myself. And relationships, again. Well, mostly about my selfishness. But that in itself is selfish. So the cycle continues.
To really be ready to love anyone again, I need to deal with my baggage. I really should just try and get separated from it, leave it in Dallas and continue my way to the west coast. No, that would be neglect, and that hasn't been working. I should get drunk and forget it. Nope, can't do that either. That's avoidance. I need to just face it head on, and deal with it like a real grown ass person would do. I really should go and talk to someone, but I don't have the funds for that. But it's definitely something I've been looking into for the last few months. I've been able to sort out most of my feeling about the past, regarding mostly my romantic relationships. I'm now currently working out why I'm so indecisive. But I might just have to chalk that up to the fact that I was simply born that way, and just have to be diligent to change it.
I had a few moments of clarity last night, as I found my feet stuck to a wooden floor that was trembling with the bass of my favorite band. The next time I fall in love, and start a relationship with someone, I want it to feel like the first time. I suppose we all want that. But I realize lately I've been selling myself severely short. I know I come with a lot of drama and baggage. No really, I get it. But that doesn't mean that I don't bring some pretty seriously positive attributes to a relationship. I'm also real tired of being the person who always seems to bend to the others will. I believe there is a lot of give and take in a relationship, I'm just tired of it being me, who gives, and the other person constantly takes. I always seem to give 150% and get shit in return. I guess that also leads to the fact that I seem so guarded and safe at first, but let the walls down. Once someone gets to know me, I let them walk all over me. Yet I'm always the bitch because I have the balls to walk away, when they just want to continue to take advantage of me. Go figure.
Ugh, there is so much more I could say but I feel like it would be just repeating myself, and now this entry has been open for about two hours. I'm ending it here.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
.02 On Men And Relationships
People always seem to ask such basic questions, that I can't seem to answer.
How are you?
That's a loaded question if I ever heard one.
What's wrong?
How about I save you a few days and tell what isn't wrong instead.
What do you want?
I don't think I'll ever know the answer to that one.
Well, I have sort of an answer for the last one. And yes, that was the shutter of the Earth coming to a halt and Hell freezing over at the same time. This one has to do with my romantic interests, or lately, lack there of. When it comes to men, and relationships, at least for right now, I want nothing to do with them. There is someone who has peaked my interest, and is holding my attention (but then again, looking at my past, when ISN'T there someone like that?) but besides that, I'm just not interested. All it takes is a dose of reality coupled with some drama, and I'm pretty much over the whole thing. But I digress. The whole reason I'm here is to talk about dating, and what I want when it comes to that, so here it goes.
As far as the first actual date goes, I want it to play out how it used to, back when I was in high school. I want the man to pick me up in his car, and come to the door with flowers. Meet my mom, and then open my car door for me, and continue this for the rest of the night. I want him to pay for dinner, and then take me to do something where we can talk, to a bar to watch a hockey game, or bowling, or just for a walk in the park. Then, I'd like him to drop me back off at home at a reasonable hour, steal a quick kiss and leave.
It's not that hard really. I don't think I am asking for too much. But then again, I am a woman, so I can't really tell.
As far as the actual relationship goes, I want a man who has his shit together. An education, a car, a job, maybe even his own place. And he doesn't even really need all that, maybe just some of it, but at least he'll have some other plans how to get what he doesn't have. As long as he's being a productive member of society, I'm good. As long as he's making good life choices, I'm good. As long as he's happy himself, I'm good. But he has to have that same respect for me, and my choices, and my decisions.
And this has to really be a partnership. I won't hold anything over his head, as long as he doesn't hold anything over mine. I don't care who makes more money, I don't care if I moved 2100 miles away to be with you, I don't care how your parents relationship or marriage was. This is US, not them, and definitely not "him" and "her". Communication is so important, and the whole ride is going to be messy and downright painful if there isn't that line open.
But for once in my life, I am so happy I don't have to think about someone else, and I don't have worry about their needs or wants. Maybe it's because I've been so dedicated to someone else for so long, it's really time for me to worry about just me. About what I want, and how I feel, and what's wrong, or what's right, about what I like, hate, and have mixed feelings on. It's time to rediscover myself, and exactly what I want.
Wish me luck.
How are you?
That's a loaded question if I ever heard one.
What's wrong?
How about I save you a few days and tell what isn't wrong instead.
What do you want?
I don't think I'll ever know the answer to that one.
Well, I have sort of an answer for the last one. And yes, that was the shutter of the Earth coming to a halt and Hell freezing over at the same time. This one has to do with my romantic interests, or lately, lack there of. When it comes to men, and relationships, at least for right now, I want nothing to do with them. There is someone who has peaked my interest, and is holding my attention (but then again, looking at my past, when ISN'T there someone like that?) but besides that, I'm just not interested. All it takes is a dose of reality coupled with some drama, and I'm pretty much over the whole thing. But I digress. The whole reason I'm here is to talk about dating, and what I want when it comes to that, so here it goes.
As far as the first actual date goes, I want it to play out how it used to, back when I was in high school. I want the man to pick me up in his car, and come to the door with flowers. Meet my mom, and then open my car door for me, and continue this for the rest of the night. I want him to pay for dinner, and then take me to do something where we can talk, to a bar to watch a hockey game, or bowling, or just for a walk in the park. Then, I'd like him to drop me back off at home at a reasonable hour, steal a quick kiss and leave.
It's not that hard really. I don't think I am asking for too much. But then again, I am a woman, so I can't really tell.
As far as the actual relationship goes, I want a man who has his shit together. An education, a car, a job, maybe even his own place. And he doesn't even really need all that, maybe just some of it, but at least he'll have some other plans how to get what he doesn't have. As long as he's being a productive member of society, I'm good. As long as he's making good life choices, I'm good. As long as he's happy himself, I'm good. But he has to have that same respect for me, and my choices, and my decisions.
And this has to really be a partnership. I won't hold anything over his head, as long as he doesn't hold anything over mine. I don't care who makes more money, I don't care if I moved 2100 miles away to be with you, I don't care how your parents relationship or marriage was. This is US, not them, and definitely not "him" and "her". Communication is so important, and the whole ride is going to be messy and downright painful if there isn't that line open.
But for once in my life, I am so happy I don't have to think about someone else, and I don't have worry about their needs or wants. Maybe it's because I've been so dedicated to someone else for so long, it's really time for me to worry about just me. About what I want, and how I feel, and what's wrong, or what's right, about what I like, hate, and have mixed feelings on. It's time to rediscover myself, and exactly what I want.
Wish me luck.
Monday, November 29, 2010
.01 I Have Yet To Decide
In life, my indecisiveness has complete control over me. It used to be something that was quirky about me, even cute at times. Now it's just this painful, humiliating and debilitating disability that I have. I guess I should back up a little bit for it to make more sense.
I'm almost twenty six years young (a little less than one month until my birthday.) and in that time, I'd like to think I've done a pretty good job of taking care of some people. Myself not so much included. (More on that super soon.) I grew up with my mom and my grandma in the same house (along with a brother for a little bit.) and as a young, able bodied person, the responsibility fell on me to help do whatever it was they couldn't. I was fine with it, until I realized that I was living more for other people than I was myself. Doctor appointments, grocery shopping, household chores, the list goes on. I would miss certain things because I had to come home early because they went to bed early. I never really stayed the night anywhere (especially if it was with a boy) because supposedly my grandma had a problem with it (according to my mom, who I suspect was the real voice behind that opinion.) I tried not to come home drunk, tried not to be too loud, tried to say the right thing, make all the right moves, and please everyone who I came in contact with.
Sure, it's easy to be happy in your own life when other people are happy. But what happens when that fades and you're left with this empty void of sadness that can't be explained? You start making decisions for yourself, that's what happens. Since I was 21 years old, I've made three decisions in my life for myself. I mean, really, truly, honest to goodness, just for me, without thinking about what other people would think, say or do.
When I was 21, I joined the Navy. Within a few weeks of being in basic, that pretty much blew up in my face, and three months later, I was home. Decision one, super fail.
When I was 23, I got my first tattoo. I loved it. I've been wanting more the second I stepped out of that shop. (Along with a few piercings too.) When my mom found out about it, there a was a big fall out, but it was worth it to me. Not too much fail, but still a little.
When I was 24, I packed my life up, and moved across the states to be with the man I loved. About nine months later, we discovered we had too many differences to really make a marriage work, so I packed up my car, and left just the way I came, all alone. Super duper huge fail.
These three instances alone are why I tend not to make decisions. And I know what you're thinking. Big deal, you made a few decisions, and they blew up in your face. It happens every second, of every minute, of every hour, of everyday. I guess it just goes back to the fact that I'm just tired of dealing with the pain that comes along with these failed decisions. It's huge. It still hurts when I think about the military. I still cry over my ex (even though I have moved on, more about that beautiful new boy later. <3)
But recently, I have truly learned that making other people is all well and good, but it can't last forever. When those people are gone (whether by choice, or accident) it's me, myself and I that I have to live with. And when I look in the mirror, and into the past, I'm not thrilled at being where I am. And sure, I could place the blame on other people. I could point fingers, name names, scream, shout, cry, and none of it would make a damn of a difference. It's my life, and it's time I started to put myself first. (Even if that means my mom gets to say all the meanest shit she can possibly think of, and she will. But that's another entry for another time.)
I'm almost twenty six years young (a little less than one month until my birthday.) and in that time, I'd like to think I've done a pretty good job of taking care of some people. Myself not so much included. (More on that super soon.) I grew up with my mom and my grandma in the same house (along with a brother for a little bit.) and as a young, able bodied person, the responsibility fell on me to help do whatever it was they couldn't. I was fine with it, until I realized that I was living more for other people than I was myself. Doctor appointments, grocery shopping, household chores, the list goes on. I would miss certain things because I had to come home early because they went to bed early. I never really stayed the night anywhere (especially if it was with a boy) because supposedly my grandma had a problem with it (according to my mom, who I suspect was the real voice behind that opinion.) I tried not to come home drunk, tried not to be too loud, tried to say the right thing, make all the right moves, and please everyone who I came in contact with.
Sure, it's easy to be happy in your own life when other people are happy. But what happens when that fades and you're left with this empty void of sadness that can't be explained? You start making decisions for yourself, that's what happens. Since I was 21 years old, I've made three decisions in my life for myself. I mean, really, truly, honest to goodness, just for me, without thinking about what other people would think, say or do.
When I was 21, I joined the Navy. Within a few weeks of being in basic, that pretty much blew up in my face, and three months later, I was home. Decision one, super fail.
When I was 23, I got my first tattoo. I loved it. I've been wanting more the second I stepped out of that shop. (Along with a few piercings too.) When my mom found out about it, there a was a big fall out, but it was worth it to me. Not too much fail, but still a little.
When I was 24, I packed my life up, and moved across the states to be with the man I loved. About nine months later, we discovered we had too many differences to really make a marriage work, so I packed up my car, and left just the way I came, all alone. Super duper huge fail.
These three instances alone are why I tend not to make decisions. And I know what you're thinking. Big deal, you made a few decisions, and they blew up in your face. It happens every second, of every minute, of every hour, of everyday. I guess it just goes back to the fact that I'm just tired of dealing with the pain that comes along with these failed decisions. It's huge. It still hurts when I think about the military. I still cry over my ex (even though I have moved on, more about that beautiful new boy later. <3)
But recently, I have truly learned that making other people is all well and good, but it can't last forever. When those people are gone (whether by choice, or accident) it's me, myself and I that I have to live with. And when I look in the mirror, and into the past, I'm not thrilled at being where I am. And sure, I could place the blame on other people. I could point fingers, name names, scream, shout, cry, and none of it would make a damn of a difference. It's my life, and it's time I started to put myself first. (Even if that means my mom gets to say all the meanest shit she can possibly think of, and she will. But that's another entry for another time.)
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