I've been sitting here for roughly an hour trying to think of something to write. There is so much on my mind right now, and it's mostly a jumbled mess like it usually is. But there is this completely annoying, screeching, pulling, ache, just below my left ear, just begging me to put something on paper. Or rather, on teh interwebs. So I've decided to talk about myself. And relationships, again. Well, mostly about my selfishness. But that in itself is selfish. So the cycle continues.
To really be ready to love anyone again, I need to deal with my baggage. I really should just try and get separated from it, leave it in Dallas and continue my way to the west coast. No, that would be neglect, and that hasn't been working. I should get drunk and forget it. Nope, can't do that either. That's avoidance. I need to just face it head on, and deal with it like a real grown ass person would do. I really should go and talk to someone, but I don't have the funds for that. But it's definitely something I've been looking into for the last few months. I've been able to sort out most of my feeling about the past, regarding mostly my romantic relationships. I'm now currently working out why I'm so indecisive. But I might just have to chalk that up to the fact that I was simply born that way, and just have to be diligent to change it.
I had a few moments of clarity last night, as I found my feet stuck to a wooden floor that was trembling with the bass of my favorite band. The next time I fall in love, and start a relationship with someone, I want it to feel like the first time. I suppose we all want that. But I realize lately I've been selling myself severely short. I know I come with a lot of drama and baggage. No really, I get it. But that doesn't mean that I don't bring some pretty seriously positive attributes to a relationship. I'm also real tired of being the person who always seems to bend to the others will. I believe there is a lot of give and take in a relationship, I'm just tired of it being me, who gives, and the other person constantly takes. I always seem to give 150% and get shit in return. I guess that also leads to the fact that I seem so guarded and safe at first, but let the walls down. Once someone gets to know me, I let them walk all over me. Yet I'm always the bitch because I have the balls to walk away, when they just want to continue to take advantage of me. Go figure.
Ugh, there is so much more I could say but I feel like it would be just repeating myself, and now this entry has been open for about two hours. I'm ending it here.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
.02 On Men And Relationships
People always seem to ask such basic questions, that I can't seem to answer.
How are you?
That's a loaded question if I ever heard one.
What's wrong?
How about I save you a few days and tell what isn't wrong instead.
What do you want?
I don't think I'll ever know the answer to that one.
Well, I have sort of an answer for the last one. And yes, that was the shutter of the Earth coming to a halt and Hell freezing over at the same time. This one has to do with my romantic interests, or lately, lack there of. When it comes to men, and relationships, at least for right now, I want nothing to do with them. There is someone who has peaked my interest, and is holding my attention (but then again, looking at my past, when ISN'T there someone like that?) but besides that, I'm just not interested. All it takes is a dose of reality coupled with some drama, and I'm pretty much over the whole thing. But I digress. The whole reason I'm here is to talk about dating, and what I want when it comes to that, so here it goes.
As far as the first actual date goes, I want it to play out how it used to, back when I was in high school. I want the man to pick me up in his car, and come to the door with flowers. Meet my mom, and then open my car door for me, and continue this for the rest of the night. I want him to pay for dinner, and then take me to do something where we can talk, to a bar to watch a hockey game, or bowling, or just for a walk in the park. Then, I'd like him to drop me back off at home at a reasonable hour, steal a quick kiss and leave.
It's not that hard really. I don't think I am asking for too much. But then again, I am a woman, so I can't really tell.
As far as the actual relationship goes, I want a man who has his shit together. An education, a car, a job, maybe even his own place. And he doesn't even really need all that, maybe just some of it, but at least he'll have some other plans how to get what he doesn't have. As long as he's being a productive member of society, I'm good. As long as he's making good life choices, I'm good. As long as he's happy himself, I'm good. But he has to have that same respect for me, and my choices, and my decisions.
And this has to really be a partnership. I won't hold anything over his head, as long as he doesn't hold anything over mine. I don't care who makes more money, I don't care if I moved 2100 miles away to be with you, I don't care how your parents relationship or marriage was. This is US, not them, and definitely not "him" and "her". Communication is so important, and the whole ride is going to be messy and downright painful if there isn't that line open.
But for once in my life, I am so happy I don't have to think about someone else, and I don't have worry about their needs or wants. Maybe it's because I've been so dedicated to someone else for so long, it's really time for me to worry about just me. About what I want, and how I feel, and what's wrong, or what's right, about what I like, hate, and have mixed feelings on. It's time to rediscover myself, and exactly what I want.
Wish me luck.
How are you?
That's a loaded question if I ever heard one.
What's wrong?
How about I save you a few days and tell what isn't wrong instead.
What do you want?
I don't think I'll ever know the answer to that one.
Well, I have sort of an answer for the last one. And yes, that was the shutter of the Earth coming to a halt and Hell freezing over at the same time. This one has to do with my romantic interests, or lately, lack there of. When it comes to men, and relationships, at least for right now, I want nothing to do with them. There is someone who has peaked my interest, and is holding my attention (but then again, looking at my past, when ISN'T there someone like that?) but besides that, I'm just not interested. All it takes is a dose of reality coupled with some drama, and I'm pretty much over the whole thing. But I digress. The whole reason I'm here is to talk about dating, and what I want when it comes to that, so here it goes.
As far as the first actual date goes, I want it to play out how it used to, back when I was in high school. I want the man to pick me up in his car, and come to the door with flowers. Meet my mom, and then open my car door for me, and continue this for the rest of the night. I want him to pay for dinner, and then take me to do something where we can talk, to a bar to watch a hockey game, or bowling, or just for a walk in the park. Then, I'd like him to drop me back off at home at a reasonable hour, steal a quick kiss and leave.
It's not that hard really. I don't think I am asking for too much. But then again, I am a woman, so I can't really tell.
As far as the actual relationship goes, I want a man who has his shit together. An education, a car, a job, maybe even his own place. And he doesn't even really need all that, maybe just some of it, but at least he'll have some other plans how to get what he doesn't have. As long as he's being a productive member of society, I'm good. As long as he's making good life choices, I'm good. As long as he's happy himself, I'm good. But he has to have that same respect for me, and my choices, and my decisions.
And this has to really be a partnership. I won't hold anything over his head, as long as he doesn't hold anything over mine. I don't care who makes more money, I don't care if I moved 2100 miles away to be with you, I don't care how your parents relationship or marriage was. This is US, not them, and definitely not "him" and "her". Communication is so important, and the whole ride is going to be messy and downright painful if there isn't that line open.
But for once in my life, I am so happy I don't have to think about someone else, and I don't have worry about their needs or wants. Maybe it's because I've been so dedicated to someone else for so long, it's really time for me to worry about just me. About what I want, and how I feel, and what's wrong, or what's right, about what I like, hate, and have mixed feelings on. It's time to rediscover myself, and exactly what I want.
Wish me luck.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)