.03 Heavy In Your Arms

I've been sitting here for roughly an hour trying to think of something to write. There is so much on my mind right now, and it's mostly a jumbled mess like it usually is. But there is this completely annoying, screeching, pulling, ache, just below my left ear, just begging me to put something on paper. Or rather, on teh interwebs. So I've decided to talk about myself. And relationships, again. Well, mostly about my selfishness. But that in itself is selfish. So the cycle continues.

To really be ready to love anyone again, I need to deal with my baggage. I really should just try and get separated from it, leave it in Dallas and continue my way to the west coast. No, that would be neglect, and that hasn't been working. I should get drunk and forget it. Nope, can't do that either. That's avoidance. I need to just face it head on, and deal with it like a real grown ass person would do. I really should go and talk to someone, but I don't have the funds for that. But it's definitely something I've been looking into for the last few months. I've been able to sort out most of my feeling about the past, regarding mostly my romantic relationships. I'm now currently working out why I'm so indecisive. But I might just have to chalk that up to the fact that I was simply born that way, and just have to be diligent to change it.

I had a few moments of clarity last night, as I found my feet stuck to a wooden floor that was trembling with the bass of my favorite band. The next time I fall in love, and start a relationship with someone, I want it to feel like the first time. I suppose we all want that. But I realize lately I've been selling myself severely short. I know I come with a lot of drama and baggage. No really, I get it. But that doesn't mean that I don't bring some pretty seriously positive attributes to a relationship. I'm also real tired of being the person who always seems to bend to the others will. I believe there is a lot of give and take in a relationship, I'm just tired of it being me, who gives, and the other person constantly takes. I always seem to give 150% and get shit in return. I guess that also leads to the fact that I seem so guarded and safe at first, but let the walls down. Once someone gets to know me, I let them walk all over me. Yet I'm always the bitch because I have the balls to walk away, when they just want to continue to take advantage of me. Go figure.

Ugh, there is so much more I could say but I feel like it would be just repeating myself, and now this entry has been open for about two hours. I'm ending it here.